♪ you feel alive... do you feel alive? ♪

something about that line just resonates through everything i know. it doesn't just hit me in a place i call home, it hits me everywhere, from these very fingertips to my antsy toes and everywhere in between. it defines how i live my life, and it galvanizes who i am and what i do.

i love this quote. something about how in a split second, the oh-so-very-sure just became not-so-sure when the question was actually asked, like the possibility was never even questioned beforehand. the faltering of sentiment just makes me think. it makes me question. i am alive. but do i feel alive? am i just living, or am i living like i can be so much more?

am i? i don't know. it depends on the day, the hour, maybe even the moment. i waver and falter more often than not. i change my mind more often than necessary. some days i'll wake up and the world is good. i have people who love me, i'm doing things i love, and i'm trying. i'm trying as hard as i possibly can to live a life that's worth living. but other times... other times i fall. i fail. and i give up. i lose sight of why things happen the way they do, and i lose faith in myself, god, anything at all. i lose it. and when that happens, the world is bad. i am unloved, i am wasting my time, and i am struck by the worst demons of them all: apathy, numbness, and fear. i am too paralyzed to move, too scared to change, and too apathetic to even care. but i know, i know in the very untouched outskirts of my head, it's wrong to life life so lifelessly because simply, it's a waste.

but what does it mean to live life like you're alive?

it means you love. you challenge. you guess. you skip. you smile. you think. you realize. you grow. you experiment. you take risks. and you get hurt. it happens, it always does. but more often than not, you are helped. and then, at that very moment, you finally see how you've been blessed with the days and the people and the things that make all of the life you're living worth all of the pain, and you wake up. you realize that all of the good days are worth the bad ones in the end.

so what if i don't feel alive all of the time?

the point is, i'm trying.

and while i do fall into the lulls and the valleys and the darkness occaisionally,

i'm trying.

now, i'm genuinely trying.

♪ she smiles at me as she is falling asleep and says we've gotta live the best we know how... ♪